They say that when you make it to the top, it’s lonely, it doesn’t keep you company in bed at night.
I never understood that statement. In fact, I thought it utterly ridiculous. I was hungry to climb that ladder. Being lonely, has never been foreign to me.
You see, while I’ve always loved romance novels, I’ve loved the feel of a gun in my hand more, starting at a target 10m away, pulling the trigger and seeing the highest score pop up (prior competitive shooter, don't worry!).
I love the feeling of dressing up, makeup perfect, little black dress hugging my curves for a night out but the feel of baggy jeans and an oversized sweatshirt as I sit around a bonfire of guys with a beer in hand has always felt more natural.
I didn’t speak the language of girls as a child. Barbie dolls and dress up any better than now, fancy manicures, couture fashion and expensive red wine in hand. I’d prefer toy cars, wooden trains, naturally ripped jeans, bare nails, and $6 wine.
Loneliness is a place I’ve coexisted with for years. It wasn’t until recently I looked around and realized, my queen-sized bed might be too big just for me.
There have been seasons of my life that I haven’t been the greatest friend. They say that true friends stick it out through it all and while that may be true, all relationships aren’t meant for life but some of them for a season. A fact I am all too familiar with at the moment.
I got tired of looking at my phone Thursday nights, wondering what I’d do for the weekend and realizing, if I didn’t plan it, no one else would. Or, if I didn’t invite a friend to dinner or an activity, I’d be home alone. As I looked around, I realized I was pouring all the effort into relationships that at the end of day, those people didn’t have a clue what was going on. They weren’t the ones to have my back when someone wasn’t treating me well. Or the ones to invite me to do something. And it hurt. It hurt when it happened in 7th grade, in 10th when I still had few friends, and in my twenties after I built an entire friend group that I realized didn’t invest in relationships the same way I did. I found myself exhausted. Not the kind a weekend in bed could fix but one that involved me walking completely away from most of the relationships in my life and walking back to the one who has called me to be.
Walking with God isn’t something he ever promised would be easy. He does promise us through that since he got through it, so could we (John 16:33).
On the Friday nights I look around and stare at my dog (and a pretty dog she is!) I won’t try to act like it’s the best feeling. However, the best feeling is realizing half the energy I was putting into relationships everyone else took for granted was pouring it into something that was 100% me. That’s okay.
So I’ll go to a movie by myself. Put extra time into the gym and meal prepping. Walk my dog and go for a hike just her and I. Write in my journal, seek out God, and just be. Everything is a season a time for something in each of our lives. When your season comes, I encourage you not to fill it up with empty hook-ups, large bottles of wine, meaningless tv. My time and talents are better than that and so are yours.