Monday, January 23, 2017

Advice from an Insomniac


I’ve often found that advice is like the Christmas presents from the grandma you see once a year that has no true grasp of your age or interest; well intentioned but often misses the mark.

What frequently makes it golden is when it’s unsolicited. Really, please. Share your expert opinion on a topic you’ve never personally dealt with that I did not truly want. Oh, you thought I was asking for it? I think you either need to join Sheldon on a lecture on sarcasm (Big Bang Theory, c’mon please somebody) or ductwork please because I was just venting. No, really you didn’t see the steam rising from me?

If you don’t mind (really, I don’t care if you do, the back button is located in the top left corner for your ease) I just want to share a few thoughts for those that don’t suffer from insomnia.

1. Don’t tell me the couple restless nights you’ve had suddenly make you understand.

While I love our friends at webmd because really, who else would be able to tell us that the small light cough you’ve developed that you (unfortunately) felt the strong urge to google is in fact, actually, the start of the bubonic plague and beginning of the end of all civilization. I decided to go with the Mayo Clinic on this one. By definition, insomnia is habitual. Not occasionally, not once a week when you’re stressed. Not, oh yes!  Christmas is tomorrow and I can’t sleep I’m as giddy as a little kid problem. Habitual.

Insomnia: “Insomnia is a persistent disorder that can make it hard to fall asleep, hard to stay asleep or both, despite the opportunity for adequate sleep. With insomnia, you usually awaken feeling unrefreshed, which takes a toll on your ability to function during the day. Insomnia can sap not only your energy level and mood but also your health, work performance and quality of life.”

2. “Yeah man, I stayed up late last night too playing Pokemon Go! So I totally get that tired thing.

No, you got the stupidity gene that first allowed you to play that game and second to lose precious sleep over it while the rest us wish we could just take your hours you clearly don’t care about while we stare at the ceiling for two hours trying to fall asleep. Or four hours. Just depends on the night.

3. Why don’t you try drinking warm milk?

Yes, all the world’s problems can be cured with a good cup of warm milk or soothing tea. This isn’t England and I don’t have Mary Poppins floating around. You think I haven’t tried that? For several nights straight to set a rhythm?

P.S. Warm milk is gross.

4. Perhaps you need to change your environment.

I bought a $1,000 mattress, blackout curtains, sleep with ear plugs, no clock, and my phone is face down on silent. What else you got? Not feng shui.

5. Well, I read this article that being on your electronics before bed is bad for sleep.

You mean because it can disrupt the melatonin that is released by your body which is the chemical that signals to your body time to go to sleep. And were you referring to the article from doctor’s weekly? Or the one in readers digest? Perhaps you meant the 10 page scientific article recently published in cambridge’s website on the topic of insomnia that came out last week that briefly mentioned this? You see, while you snore away at 1 .m. I’m busy reading articles only on how to not have to spend another night reading articles at 1 a.m.

6. You should really see a doctor about that.

Gosh, why didn’t I think of that? Silly me, was thinking Joe Schmo could produce miracle advice over here but really asking a professional never crossed my mind.

Oh wait, I already tried three different ones about it. Let me ask my doctor about the ongoing problems they are treating me for. It’ll probably only the umpteenth conversation I’ve had with them about this. Solid advice.

7. Just drink some coffee in the morning, you’ll be fine.

Band-aid, meet gunshot wound.

8. Well, I’ve heard alcohol can be relaxing. Maybe you should try a glass of wine before bed.

Alcoholism. I’m just going to drop that one here and walk away.

9. Perhaps you should see a therapist.

And that my friends, is like the Christmas I received a universal size bathrobe. Finally close to the mark. And that was fun.