They say that when you make
it to the top, it’s lonely, it doesn’t keep you company in bed at night.
I never understood that
statement. In fact, I thought it utterly ridiculous. I was hungry to climb that
ladder. Being lonely, has never been foreign to me.
You see, while I’ve always
loved romance novels, I’ve loved the feel of a gun in my hand more, starting at
a target 10m away, pulling the trigger and seeing the highest score pop up (prior competitive shooter, don't worry!).
I love the feeling of
dressing up, makeup perfect, little black dress hugging my curves for a night
out but the feel of baggy jeans and an oversized sweatshirt as I sit around a
bonfire of guys with a beer in hand has always felt more natural.
I didn’t speak the language
of girls as a child. Barbie dolls and dress up any better than now, fancy
manicures, couture fashion and expensive red wine in hand. I’d prefer toy cars,
wooden trains, naturally ripped jeans, bare nails, and $6 wine.
Loneliness is a place I’ve
coexisted with for years. It wasn’t until recently I looked around and
realized, my queen-sized bed might be too big just for me.
There have been seasons of
my life that I haven’t been the greatest friend. They say that true friends stick
it out through it all and while that may be true, all relationships aren’t
meant for life but some of them for a season. A fact I am all too familiar with
at the moment.
I got tired of looking at my
phone Thursday nights, wondering what I’d do for the weekend and realizing, if
I didn’t plan it, no one else would. Or, if I didn’t invite a friend to dinner
or an activity, I’d be home alone. As I looked around, I realized I was pouring
all the effort into relationships that at the end of day, those people didn’t
have a clue what was going on. They weren’t the ones to have my back when
someone wasn’t treating me well. Or the ones to invite me to do something. And
it hurt. It hurt when it happened in 7th grade, in 10th
when I still had few friends, and in my twenties after I built an entire friend
group that I realized didn’t invest in relationships the same way I did. I
found myself exhausted. Not the kind a weekend in bed could fix but one that
involved me walking completely away from most of the relationships in my life
and walking back to the one who has called me to be.
Walking with God isn’t
something he ever promised would be easy. He does promise us through that since
he got through it, so could we (John 16:33).
On the Friday nights I look
around and stare at my dog (and a pretty dog she is!) I won’t try to act like
it’s the best feeling. However, the best feeling is realizing half the energy I
was putting into relationships everyone else took for granted was pouring it
into something that was 100% me. That’s okay.
So I’ll go to a movie by myself.
Put extra time into the gym and meal prepping. Walk my dog and go for a hike
just her and I. Write in my journal, seek out God, and just be. Everything is a
season a time for something in each of our lives. When your season comes, I
encourage you not to fill it up with empty hook-ups, large bottles of wine,
meaningless tv. My time and talents are better than that and so are yours.
