Moments

Today I will not weep

Not because I'm not sad

But you were a Fighter

and Survivor

Beating breast cancer

So I walked a mile in your honor

To represent all the cancer walks we did together

I listened to polka music

Not because I like it

It's actually quite horrible in fact

But a generational difference

It was your favorite and what always played

on the old fashioned vinyl needle

I went to Belk and then more stores shopping

Not because I needed anything

But you were a bargain hunter

One of the best in fact

I looked for the best dang deal and then bought it

Not for me but I'll surely find someone that will 

Just like you always did

I looked up how to make "red" applesauce

Not because I was craving it or could do it justice

After all, you would make it fully from scratch with apples you personally picked

But it was one of the items we used to do together

That I always requested at your house

I also drank the best white wine I could find

Not because you were a drinker

Far from it

But you bought me my first ever bottle at the age of 19

when I was teaching summer camp

Giggling, you told me to sneak it in and share it with the other girls

I capped my day with a slice of pizza

Not because you really liked it

But my brother and I did

Your generation didn't believe in takeout

But if we were extra good on a special occasion

We got one at your house when we spent the night

Today I did end up crying

Not because I'm not strong like you

But I cried in happiness that even though I wasn't technically blood

I only ever knew you as my grandma

And you only ever treated me as the best granddaughter

So with that as the best definition of how you lived your life

Is something to celebrate

Commitment

Once upon a time
There was a little girl
Who didn't know her worth
Who couldn't see her own beauty

Everyone around her
Seemed to find their prince
When all she had left
Was an empty side of the bed

Try as she might
To do everything the next guy needed
She was never enough
Or not the right fit

She spent days and years
Believing something was wrong with her
Until one day she sat up
And it all just clicked

The timing wasn't fun
The timing wasn't right
But the time did mean
In time she would learn

Lessons others spent years fighting to see
Dollars spent at expensive psychiatrists
She watched others and learned from them
Lessons she needed were every step of the way

Realizing people didn't just change
Or dating a guy
To please your family
Came with the first

Fun and flirts
Could come and go
But substance came
When time and work were put back in

Communication
Was a two way street
Feedback doesn't happen
Just at work

And just when she thought
Love wasn't for her
She met the man
To make her say I love you

Even though he never got to hear these words
The day of light was good for her
Commitment before had remained elusive
Even if her heart felt lost

She
Knew
Now
It could be had.

Points of View

It’s easy to have passions, thoughts, and feelings

When issues are written seemingly in black and white

The politicians (and media) tell you

It’s this party or that party

Not a whole lot of talk of the in-between

You read a story

Watch a movie

Regardless of the actions

The plot line always thickens

The emotions ride high

To lead you to favor

Any and all characters

Despite their intentions

But when you take a step back

You realize

The same issue you hoped the villain to overcome

Is the same issue you fight against in reality

Then you meet the “issue” in person

 Hear their story, fall in love

“Those people” became your friends

Your neighbors

Your coworkers

Keep it quiet, shhh, even family

All of sudden

That issue that was black and white

Has a name

Has a reason

Has a why

What you thought was straight forward

Was merely a lie

That the media portrayed

To sell more lies

To keep us divided

On two separate sides

Soon you start asking questions

Raising eyes

To decipher the lies

What was once black and white

Became shades of grey

It’s all fun and games

Until they become real people

Lives are at stake

Do we know what we’re missing?

You discovered the ideals and views

You were raised with

Was from an older generation

Of simpler times

Where silence was golden

And noise wasn’t silver

You try to share your new perspective

With family and others

Some are progressive

Others are regressive

You can search all day

For the perfect answers

To clear out the fog

That lies in their minds

But you can’t always undo

Sixty years of lies

Even when they friend

“Those kind of people”

They caveat everything with

“No offense”

Or

“Thank goodness you’re not like them”

When inside “Those people”

They’re really

Cringing

Because “those kind of people”

Are really their own individuals

Not to be confined

Into any single box

So maybe one day

We’ll all wake up

To a world in which

We don’t have to label

Republican Here

Democrat There

Where we all work together

For the good

Of all

Our people

The Noise of Silence

The Noise of Silence

It was in the moments of silence

I heard you the clearest

In the moments of despair

I dried my own tears 

 My fingers reached for the phone 

But we’re met with a blank screen

It’d been two weeks

Since I heard a peep from you there

Not a text or a call

Or a tag to be found anywhere 

They told me I built

My walls too deep

Too wide

Too high

But it was for moments like these

I thanked the bricks were in place

I was the most vulnerable that night 

Baring my soul

My woes

My cries

It was the first in my life

I got real

I went wide

Sharing it all

The pain wafting from my pores 

You heard it in my voice

You saw it in my face

For the first time in my life

I needed you there

I needed to come first

It was my turn to share first

Your turn to hear

I could sit back 

While you reached out to listen 

But it was evident this time

That now I no longer

Served your purpose

It was In those moments 

Guard let down

I found out in these moments

Who were my friends

Who had my six 

How do I know

The question would go

It was the moments of silence

I heard you the clearest. 

Joy

This isn't final but I currently don't care. Sometimes I think showing more of the rougher, needs refinement pieces have more meaning than the polished, well articulated outcome we are more prevalent and used to seeing. 

Joy

I started the year 

proclaiming Joy for all to hear 

I guess the devil heard me too

As he stood up and said

Challenge accepted, my dear 

You see, we Christians know better than 

To pray for patience 

As God will surely

Give you opportunities to work on it

And I guess Joy was the same 

Kind of thing

I started the year

With merry and mirth

Friends stood up and took notice

Proclaiming the joy they felt

Somethings new

Somethings different 

They said

Good

Was my one word response 

But the devil had two

Always needing to go one more step to

My one

As he chucking replied

Game on

Two months went by. 

As I found joy in my work

Joy in my friends

Joy once again

In my worship

We can’t have that

This can’t last for long 

Said the devil

He gave me a chance

He gave me the time

To fall off the wagon myself

But when I didn’t

When it sustained

See, I was doing a new thing

And it was lasting

Did you know joy and happiness are two different things?

I found out the hard way

Happiness is found in my circumstances

Joy comes from the Lord

Joy isn’t found in who I am

But in whom I am

He started ripping it all away

Piece by piece

Week by week

How long did my praises last?

Not long he found

I put on a fake smile

Cheerful face

But deep within

The well was dry

I was angry with God

I was angry at my Father

He was supposed to be there to protect me

He was supposed to be there for support

So why then

Did it feel as if the roles were reversed?

Time heals all wounds

I’m not sure if I believe that

But you have to practice

What you preach

So here I am

It wasn’t supposed to be this way

But life often goes

On a different road

Than the one you were on

If you take one wrong turn 

It only takes a minute for you to end up on that long back road

Will I find that hidden gem diner?

Or run out of gas

On the side of the road?

Racer Pacer

I was a mile into this 5k race and to say I was on the struggle bus was an understatement. I was trying so hard to pace with others around me but I just couldn’t seem to hit my stride. People were passing me left and right and the girl in front of me seemed to keep getting further and further ahead-was she running faster or was I going slower?

Between the pollen and focusing on other’s paces, all the running I had been doing for the past month didn’t seem to make a difference. It wasn’t until the 2.5 mile mark I let everything else go. I got lost in my own race, pace, thoughts, and focused on my own stride, lengthening it out to my more normal cadence rather than the choppy race pace I had set. The last half mile flew by and with ease, I glided into the finish line. I was done. 

I was driving home reflecting. Frequently, I struggle hard when I race but during my normal runs, set a strong pace that feels natural. Why is there such a difference?It was an easy answer for a lesson I had already learned in high school. In cross country, I had periodically run with a pacer. A pacer is someone that teaches you to control your pace so you don’t come out of the gate sprinting, helps you hit the stride you’re best at, and have energy left for a strong sprint finisher. I had always been horrible at pacing, letting other racers and adrenaline affect my outcome. I was too focused on how others were doing, trying to do it their way, I lost sight of everything I had been working on and training for.

Then I thought about my life outside of races. I realized I’m incredibly guilty of doing the exact same thing. I look around at the pace that everyone else is at and try to match it, regardless of if it’s the right thing for me or not. See someone ahead of me? I’ll push myself beyond what is comfortable to try to catch up, sometimes succeeding, sometimes, not. 

Other times, I look behind me, seeing others taking a slower pace so I too, will enjoy a lull, even though what was right for me was to keep pushing on. 

They say to “take the blinders off” and see what is going on. I would argue I need to put the blinders back on. Not getting distracted by the shiny race cars next to me but running the race that is marked out for me. The individual race marked out for me, not for anyone else, not a pace others have set, but my race, my pace. 

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” 

Hebrews 12:1

Create

You are more than just a number. 

I’ve heard this statement many times in many different contexts. You have an employee number, but you bring unique value to the table. You’ve been labeled as a statistic to become _______(an alcoholic, divorcee, college dropout) but you won’t accept that. Your salvation is a number but your story means more to God and to others. 

As I reflected on what I wanted to get out of this year, I followed a tradition we’ve set in my church of choosing a word for the new year that we are claiming God to use and move through us in. One year mine was contentment. It was powerful. I prayed for God to let me be content with what I was given, rather than constantly lusting and craving things I didn’t have from money to love to a promotion. It was a tough year but through it, I walked away from dating to be content in my singleness and I took steps to love myself more the way I was, less the way society was calling me to be. Last year my word was on the opposite end as verb. I wanted to call into my life movement and action. I had walked away from physical activity and following through on promises I made myself to take action on different ideas. Last year, my life changed an incredible amount between the beginning of my journey towards weight loss, a new house, a new job, and renewed focus on what matters. 

For this year, I struggled for weeks on what God was placing in my heart. I was pondering deep, spiritual, meaningful words but none of them resonated in my heart. It was late one night as I was scrolling through The Giving Keys to pick out a gift for a friend that I saw the word “Create.” I froze. Create. Create what God? I asked. I’m not very artistic. In fact, even stick figures are often beyond my limits. I continued to stare and God spoke to me in only the way He can to make heard his voice so clearly. The year before, I had walked away from leadership in the church in small group settings. I had felt so drained that I knew I needed time off. I’ve written about struggles with relationships in many forms and this had seemed to be one more area I was failing in.

God spoke “Create community. Create boundaries. Create love. Create relationships. Create memories. Create change. Create good habits. Create more love for me.”

I was floored. It was all the things I knew I needed to walk towards but had created such solid reasons to say no to each of them, that I had in essence, created the exact opposite of what I wanted to create. As I write this, I’m actually chuckling to think of the irony. 

So I said yes. I said yes to God and yes to a different and more expectant 2018. When you ask God to show up, He will better than you even knew to expect. 

I’ve had the privilege of starting a young adult co-ed corporate Christians small group.  I’ve been able to open my home up to create community that others were apparently craving just as much as I was. I’ve said no to others and stuck to it to create boundaries. I’ve learned to better love myself and create positive healthy habits of change. I’ve asked God where he wants me, and he creates opportunities for me to say yes to create memories. As I write this, I’m about to embark on a crazy weekend across the country with a ton of people I don’t really know. It’s entirely outside my comfort zone and that’s awesome because I know with confidence, I’ll create some great memories and friendships. 

What are you going to create?